how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
