Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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