I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
my liver is dry heaving
Floor bacon is actually really good
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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