Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
