Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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