I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
