time to smoke my breakfast
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
