just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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