My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
