some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
