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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.

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• (416): View more from Toronto

  this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.

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• (778): View more from British Columbia

  Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I go down on you because abs

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.

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• (940): View more from Texas

  I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible

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• (660): View more from Missouri

  Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  You left your hot dogs in my dresser again

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• (407): View more from Florida

  I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!

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