period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
