dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
