I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
