took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
