You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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