I hate all girls vehemently.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just had sex on a roof
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
