I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
