She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
