Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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