no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
