Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
