so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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