In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
