She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I want her autograph on my taint
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
