I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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