doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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