So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My penis needs a shock collar
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
