Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
