Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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