i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
