Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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