my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
