It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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