Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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