the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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