Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
