There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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