Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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