sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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