Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
