sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
