If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
God, I missed his penis.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
