her facebook's as public as her vagina
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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