If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
