he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
false alarm, still single
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
