im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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