her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
