And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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