Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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